Truly Alone
by Bohemian Storm
Summary: Hermione and Tonks have a late night conversation about love and loss, and Hermione realizes how truly lucky she is. (Implied slash Remus/Sirius)


**Disclaimer:  **I don't own them.  They all belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Notes:  **As you can tell by many of my other stories I am a die hard Sirius/Remus shipper.  I also happen to enjoy the idea of Remus/Tonks, so I managed to find a way to work them both in.  This is set during the late summer after OotP at Grimmauld Place. 

Also (yeah, last note) this is my first time writing Tonks, so I'm not sure how IC she is.  I tried.

**Truly Alone**

_By Bohemian Storm_

            Hermione would have slammed the door to the bedroom Ron and Harry shared if the rest of the house wasn't already asleep.  She had arrived only two days ago and already Ron was at her throat.  It was constant; he couldn't just leave her alone.  Everything she did was cause for a fight, fights that left her feeling like she could strangle him and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

            Crookshanks had done something, or she had left her homework in his room, or she had looked at him funny, or one of her hairs was out of place.  There was always something wrong that he found to pick at.  It was driving her insane, especially if she stepped back and took a look at the big picture of their future.  It wasn't exactly certain and she hated that, rather than making the most of the present, she just let herself be drawn into these petty arguments.

            After the latest fight all she wanted to do was be alone.  She knew she could go up to Ginny's room and complain about the way Ron was treating her.  She knew that Ginny would reassure her that Ron was just doing what came natural and that he didn't know the first thing about feelings and emotions.  She knew that talking to Ginny would make her feel better, but she didn't want to feel better.  She had never felt so lonely and yet all she wanted was to be alone.

            She went down the narrow staircase and slipped into the kitchen, intent on making tea and sitting in the dark room while she tried to relax.  

            "Hermione," someone said from behind and she turned, gasping.

            Tonks and Remus were sitting together at the table, Tonks grinning widely at the fright Hermione had taken.

            "Sorry," she said, still grinning.

            Hermione shook her head.  "It's fine."

            "Do you want some tea, Hermione?" Remus asked, getting up and going over to the kettle.

            She nodded.  "Please."

            "Sit down," Tonks said, offering her a chair.  

            "Are you sure you don't want to be alone?" Hermione asked, frowning slightly and gesturing to Remus.

            She thought she say a flash of sadness in Tonks's eyes before she shook her head.  "No, no, it's fine.  Remus and I were just talking about . . . well, the past year.  You know."

            "Ah," Hermione said, sinking into a chair.  She did know.  She knew all too well what Tonks was referring to.  She herself had wondered many times if it was right to feel so much pain over the death of a man she had hardly known.

            Remus set a steaming mug of tea in front of Hermione and she smiled gratefully.  Things had changed so much since her third year when he'd been her professor.  She remembered thinking he was so calm, so perfectly pulled together.  He was exactly what she wanted to be when she grew up.  Now they were sitting at a kitchen table together, serving each other tea and meals, comforting each other in the times when they needed comforting.  She wondered if he seemed like less of a professor and more of a person to anyone else sometimes.  

            "I think I'll head off to bed," he said softly, squeezing Tonks's shoulder on his way out of the room.

            "Goodnight, Remus," Tonks murmured, watching him go.

            "Goodnight," Hermione echoed.

            They both fell silent as Hermione sipped her tea and stared at the wall.  Things were getting harder and harder for her every year.  At first she had only her homework to worry about, then her homework and her friends.  Soon she was worrying about her homework, her friends and what Ron was thinking about her.  Not long after that she was worried about Harry's life on top of it, then O.W.L.'s and now she thought about Sirius's death constantly on top of everything else.

            "Are you alright?" Tonks asked.

            Hermione blinked.  "What?"

            Tonks grinned.  "I asked if you're alright."

            "Sure," Hermione said nodding.  "Sure, I'm fine."

            Tonks nodded.  "If you're sure."

            "I . . ." Hermione trailed off, then bit her lip.  "Do you think about Sirius a lot?"

            Tonks nodded again.  "All the time."

            "Did you know him very well?"

            "Not as well as I would have liked."

            Hermione fell silent, stirring her tea with a spoon.  "I really wish he hadn't died."

            Tonks smiled.  "Yeah, me too."

            Hermione though about Ron and shook her head.  "I wonder if he was ever in love with anyone."

            "Sirius?" Tonks asked.

            Hermione nodded.

            Tonks smiled.  "He was."

            "He was in love with someone?"

            "Yep."

            "Who?"

            "Oh . . ." Tonks trailed off, smiling mysteriously.  "I think it was sort of private.  I don't think I was supposed to know."

            "How'd you find out?" Hermione asked.

            "Found them snogging in here one day," she said.  "Funniest damn thing I'd ever seen.  Especially when I cleared my throat and Sirius fell off the table."

            Hermione found herself smiling.  "He fell off the table?"  She paused and a horrified look crossed her face.  "They were _on the table?"_

            Tonks snorted.  "Sort of . . . you're too young to be hearing this."

            "We _eat on this table!" she cried._

            "They were just snogging," Tonks replied, still grinning.  "You'd think I'd told you someone slaughtered a Death Eater on the table and didn't bother to clean up the blood."

            Hermione wrinkled her nose.

            "Bad example," Tonks said.  "The point of the story was that I know he was in love."

            "With someone in this house," Hermione said slowly.

            "Hey, don't go around trying to figure out who it was," Tonks said.  "A lot of people came in and out of this house last year."

            "He was happy?" Hermione asked.

            "They were blissfully happy," Tonks told her and again Hermione thought she saw some kind of sadness.

            "I'm glad," Hermione said.

            Tonks nodded.  "They both deserved it.  They deserved each other.  The other person, he . . . ah, they took it really hard when Sirius died even though they hid it really well."

            "Oh, my," Hermione gasped, sitting upright.  "It was-"

            "Shh!" Tonks hushed her.  "He'd kill me if he knew I told you."

            Hermione sunk down in her chair, her hands trembling around her mouth.  "And they were happy."  It wasn't a question.  She had known, somehow she had known.  

            "He lost Sirius twice," Tonks said in a quiet voice.  "It's not fair."

            "Oh," Hermione breathed, unable to say anything more.  Her heart ached in a way she hadn't known before.  Tonks was right, it _wasn't fair at all.  What was right about a man dying just as he'd finally found the person he loved again?  He'd been gone for twelve years and now he was gone forever.  How could she sit and worry about Ron when Sirius and Remus had lost everything?_

            "Have you ever been in love?" Tonks asked, attempting to lighten the mood.

            Hermione blushed and looked down at her tea.

            Tonks laughed.  "I'll just take that to mean yes."

            "Have you?" Hermione asked.

            "Ah . . ." Tonks bit her lip and nodded slowly.  "I have . . . I mean, I am."

            "In love?"

            "Yeah."

            "Who is he?" Hermione asked, then paused, apparently remembering the earlier part of their conversation.  "He is a he, right?"

            Tonks beamed.  "He is most certainly a he."

            "Oh, who is he?" Hermione asked again.

            "He . . . uh, well, he's . . ."

            "What's he like?" Hermione asked instead.

            "He's a little older than me," Tonks said, resting her chin in her hands.  "He's really very smart.  He's . . . sad, lonely."

            "Why is he sad?" Hermione asked.

            Tonks smiled.  "You know, I think that's enough story telling from me tonight."

            "Does he love you?" Hermione asked.

            Tonks fell silent and stared at her own tea.  "Uh . . . well, I don't know if he knows exactly."

            "Oh."  Hermione bit her lip.  "I'm sorry," she offered.

            "It's okay," Tonks said.  "That'd be my own fault, wouldn't it?"

            "Why . . . well, I mean . . ." she trailed off and smiled.  "I guess that's a silly question to be asking.  Especially coming from me."

            Tonks waved her hand.  "It's not silly.  He doesn't know because I don't think it's my place to intrude in his life like that."

            "I guess that makes sense," Hermione said.  "I'm sorry that I'm asking all these questions.  It's none of my business."

            "It's fine, Hermione.  Sometimes you need to get these feelings out when you can't tell the person you care about that you love them."

            "He has no idea?" Hermione asked.

            Tonks shook her head.  "No idea."

            "You should tell him," Hermione said decidedly. "You-"

            "I'm sorry to interrupt," Remus said from the doorway.  "I just came back for more tea." 

            Tonks forced a smile.  "You're not interrupting.  I think Hermione was about to head back to bed anyway."

            "I was?" Hermione asked, staring at Tonks.  She tried to catch the older girl's eye, but Tonks was smiling at Remus, and Hermione suddenly knew exactly why she'd seen that sadness in Tonks's eyes earlier.

            "Right," she said, standing up and taking the rest of her tea over to the sink where she dumped it out.  "I was going back to bed."

            "Goodnight, Hermione," Tonks said.

            "Goodnight," she replied.  "Thank you for the talk."  She smiled at Remus, then slipped out of the kitchen and headed toward the stairs.

            "What did you two talk about?" she heard Remus ask as she mounted the stairs.

            Tonks sighed.  "Nothing really.  Sirius mostly.  Love."

            "Love?" he asked in surprise.

            "Yes, love."

            Hermione slipped up the stairs and into her room.  She didn't want to eavesdrop anymore.  She didn't want to hear what else Remus and Tonks had to say to each other that night.  She didn't even want to think about what had made her so upset earlier because in comparison it seemed so petty, so little.  She would make Ron understand eventually and she knew it wouldn't be half as hard as the rest of the years alone would be for Tonks and Remus.

            One loved a dead man and the other loved someone she would never have.  He belonged to another.

            She slid into her bed and wondered for a moment before she fell asleep what life was really like for those who were truly lonely.

End


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